“Hey Sam, you like superheroes?” Diana inquired. I should say I do. I buy around forty dollars worth of comics a week.
“Yeah,” I said. Diana had me interested. She’s not the type to bring up superheroes.
“Wanna hear a joke then?” she asked.
“Sure,” I replied.
“Okay. Superman is flying around with nothing to do and he’s bored so he decides he wants to go out for a beer so he goes to Batman’s house…”
“Do you mean Wayne Manor or the Batcave?” I queried.
“What difference does it make?” Diana said, annoyed that I had interrupted.
“Well, if Superman was seen going into Wayne Manor it would be suspicious and he might give away Batman’s secret identity as Bruce Wayne so he would more likely go to the Batcave – but that’s a cave, not a house”.
“Okay. Superman goes to the Batcave.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
“So he asks Batman if he wants to go out for a drink, but Batman says he can’t because he has to stay home and feed his bats,” Diana continued.
“Why does Batman need to feed the bats in the Batcave?” I asked. “That seems like a waste of time. Does he not have better things to do? It’s not like they are pets or anything. Why can’t they catch their own dinner like normal bats?”
“That’s not the point – alright? He just can’t go with Superman because he’s busy,” Diana retorted.
“Fine,” I sighed, “Batman needs to feed the bats. Go on…”
“Alright. So Superman leaves and he goes to Spiderman’s house to ask him if he wants to go out for a beer.”
“Ummmmm… Diana…” I interrupted.
“What now?” Diana sighed.
“What is Spiderman doing in this story?” I inquired.
“What do you mean?” Diana said in an annoyed voice.
“Well, technically it’s impossible for Superman to go and ask Spiderman out for a drink because Superman lives in the DC Universe and Spiderman lives in the Marvel Universe. I mean Superman could ask Green Lantern or Aquaman or the Flash out for a drink, and Spiderman could go for a drink with Captain America and Wolverine but unless Superman went through some weird portal, or unless he was in the midst of a giant cross company event, which is rather unlikely considering that they are just going out for a beer, it’s pretty much impossible for Spiderman and Superman to go for a beer. You know what I mean?”
Diana clearly didn’t. I didn’t want to explain again.
“Never mind. Superman goes to Spiderman’s house to ask if he wants to go for a beer,” I said.
“Okay. Yeah. But Spiderman said he couldn’t because he had to stay home and feed his spiders,”
“Hold on a second,” I exclaimed, “can you explain to me exactly why Spiderman has spiders?”
“That’s not important,” Diana stated.
“But it doesn’t make sense!” I continued anyways, “Spiderman doesn’t keep spiders around. Why would he? And besides, Aunt May and MJ wouldn’t put up with that kind of crap even if he wanted to.”
Diana glared at me.
“Okay, okay – Spiderman had to feed his spiders.”
“Can I go on?” she asked.
“Sure,” I replied.
“So Superman leaves and he’s flying around and he sees Wonder Woman lying naked on the beach.”
“Why would Superman be interested in that?” I questioned her.
“Because he’s a man,” Diana replied, thinking that she had the better of me this time.
“Well,” I replied, “I’m sure if Superman really wanted to see Wonder Woman naked he could have done it lots of times at any Justice League meeting by just using his x-ray vision.”
Diana sighed. “Okay – well Wonder Woman is having sex on the beach with the Invisible Man.”
“Okay this is just getting ridiculous…” I moaned. “The Invisible Man is a fictional character in a book by H.G. Wells. He’s not even a comic book character, unless you include the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but I don’t think that counts in the current DC Universe. I’ll have to look that one up… I mean, I guess she could be having sex with Invisible Kid from the Legion of the Superheroes but he’s from the future – which means that’s pretty much impossible. I mean, if they are still in that loopy cross company event Wonder Woman might be having sex with Invisible Woman from the Fantastic Four. Hey… what kind of joke is this anyways?” I asked.
“Forget it,” Diana said finally fed up. She never did tell me the punch line.