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July 18th, 2007
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WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CATHERINE CLARK: BRINGING SEXY BACK TO CANADIAN POLITICS
So this is my plea: Catherine Clark, wherever you are, your time is now! With other former prime ministers’ children becoming prominent on our cultural landscape, your time has come again. Justin Trudeau is following in his father's footsteps and turning heads and creating news everywhere he goes. Ben Mulroney is also, unfortunately, following in his father’s footsteps being an annoying nancy-boy who we all wish would just disappear. Come back to us Catherine! Unpack those boots and skirts and sweaters and bring along your smile. It's time to bring sexy back to Canadian politics. Catherine Clark, we need you now more then ever.
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You
know what? I'm not a stupid man, but these days I have a difficult time
remembering who the current Canadian Prime Minister is. I always have to think
about it because the man's name is never on the tip of my tongue. For the
record, the Prime Minister is Stephen Harper, who has been Prime Minister ever
since he replaced… uh… that other guy who was in office before him. So why am I
having problems remembering these politicians’ names? Because the sad fact is
that Canadian politics is no longer sexy. That's right! You heard me! Sexy!
Sure, I know what you’re thinking. Compared to the madness of American
politics, Can
adian
politics has never been sexy. We've never had anything like Watergate, Zippergate, or even the JFK assassination. However I beg to differ. Perhaps
Canadian politics hasn't always seemed sexy, but in a sense it has always been
exciting to watch, which is kinda sexy. I mean, we had Pierre Elliott Trudeau,
who if he wasn't getting pickled with Leonard Cohen or hanging out with John and
Yoko, he was sticking the finger up at Richard Nixon and meeting with Castro and
Mao. Then there was Jean Chrétien who was just as quick to put a strangle h
old
on a protester as he was to throw down with Jesse Helms. And what about Lucien
Bouchard - the one legged tyrant of hell (better known as Quebec by some) who
often seemed to be more like Ming the Merciless from the Flash Gordon comics
than a French Canadian politician. And let us not forget William Mackenzie King
who consulted psychics and occultists to help with Canada's fight with the
Nazis. Even little weirdos like Preston Manning with his "REFOOOORM" battle cry
seems to be far less generic then today's new breed of boring and totally
forgettable players on the Canadian political scene. What we need is to bring
sexy back to politics. Who we need is Catherine Clark.
hat?
Catherine who? You don't remember Catherine Clark? The most sexiest woman to
ever walk into Canada's political scene? Don't worry. I find it interesting
that in only eight years much of Catherine Clark's adoring public has already seemed to
have forgotten about her. Such a pity because, although she was from a
political party that I wouldn't support even if Jesus himself were running for
their leadership, there was never a more brighter, beautiful, and charismatic
woman ever to enter the world of Canadian politics. Let me refresh your memory
about Catherine Clark, her adoring public and her adventures on her father's
campaign trail in:
So
lets do a little recap of the 2000 Canadian election. I must admit, things
haven't changed much because my recollection of what was going on back then is
just as fuzzy as it is now, and I'll keep it brief in order not to bore our
American friends who really don't give a damn about Canadian politics. Well,
Jean Chrétien was still in office and everybody pretty much knew that he was
going to be reelected as the Canadian Prime Minister. The crazy bastard had
been in office forever and he was pretty much like the Energizer Bunny - a
powerhouse that kept going and going. I mean, Canadians are not famous for
liking change, and everybody knows that a Liberal vote is a pretty safe vote (or
so they thought at that time, although history would prove different later on…
but that's another story). However, upon the horizon of the political scene
came the scary threat of ultra religious Stockwell Day and his Canadian Alliance
party. Stockwell Day created quite a stir and a lot of excitement in the
political scene. Here was a man who actually might have the ability to topple
the mighty Liberals and their funny-looking leader. The battle between the
Liberal and Canadian Alliance party was about to ignite and Canada was running
for cover.
But
that left a problem. What about the Conservative Party and their leader Joe
Clark? Poor Joe Clark! The man was prime minister ever so briefly at the end
of the 1970s and decided that, what the heck, he might as well go for it again.
However, with the likes of Chrétien and Day duking it out nobody was even paying
attention to the poor guy. It's kind of like if Gerry and the Pacemakers
decided to get back together for a comeback tour the same year that the Rolling
Stones and a r
eformed
Beatles were touring. Nobody really cared. You see, Joe Clark did have the
reputation of being the most trustworthy politician in Canada, but let's face
it. Trustworthy just hasn't grabbed the imagination of the voting public
since the days of "Honest" Aberham Lincoln. So Joe Clark figures that he
needed a new angle to get the cameramen to turn their attention away from
Chrétien and Day and he had one thing that those two didn't have. A really hot,
leggy daughter who had the ability to turn the heads of the Canadian voters and
turn the entire country on with her smile.
"So
what if I dragged Catherine around on the election trail with me?", Joe thinks
to himself, "I bet that'd get everyone's attention!" Joe realized that nobody
cared about ol' Joe Clark, especially with the scrappy French guy and the
obnoxious bible thumper stealing all the headlines. Yeah, old Joe knew he had
hit a golden idea and from there on in Joe Clark was rarely seen without
Catherine in tow, and you want to know what? It worked! Well, kinda. Joe had
successfully entered the political race, not with solutions and promises but
with a long-legged, short-skirted, big-booted blonde bombshell of sexual
appeal! People began to pay attention!
Now
Catherine Clark's biggest fan at the time would have been the Toronto Sun, who
often featured her on the covers of their newspaper and even ran a daily section
inside featuring a picture of Catherine and a synopsis of what she was wearing!
Yes, Catherine was more runway model then political figurehead. However, to be
fair, Catherine Clark was quite a wonderful girl. She was educated, she was
intelligent, and when interviewed her comments had a bit of meat and potatoes to
them. She knew the Conservative political agenda and she knew what she was
talking about. She also wasn't just reciting what her father’s people told her
to say or reading from cue cards. That's what Ben Mulroney does. Catherine had
her own opinions and good common sense. She wasn't a bimbo, although t
he
Conservative party’s rivals tried to make her out that way. Joe said that
Catherine had become his most valued political advisor and there wasn't much
doubt that it was true. Most of all, she knew how to get the media's
attention. She showed up to her father’s appearances as if she was on a
Hollywood red carpet, smiled radiantly, posed for the cameras, and was
delightfully charming.
So
when all of this was going on I had my own brief encounter with the beautiful
Catherine Clark. Now I am a Liberal supporter and there is little chance of me
ever voting anything but, no matter what scandals they find themselves in.
However, one morning I heard on the radio that Joe and Catherine were going to
be doing a ribbon cutting ceremony at the local hospital. I quickly jumped out
of bed, ironed my best shirt and polished my shoes, and with a copy of the
Toronto Sun with Catherine's face on the front cover and a Sharpie in hand I ran
up to the hospital to see them. A fairly large crowd of mainly senior citizens
and hospital staff was assembled. After a while Joe Clark's big campaign bus
arrived and big Joe emerged with lovely Catherine behind him. Catherine was
dressed in a long leather jacket, a sweater and a black skirt and her wonderful
tall leather boots. MMMMM… Catherine's boots were always delectable! Joe did
some kind of dull speech and cut the ribbon and everyone applauded. Then Joe
and Catherine made their way through the crowd. Meanwhile, I was trying to worm
my way up to Catherine Clark to get her to sign my copy of
the
Toronto Sun. Now I wasn't about to start elbowing through seniors and getting
as aggressive as I have had to get to meet other celebrities, or start screaming
"CATHERINE! OVER HERE! I LOVE YOUR BOOTS CATHERINE!" because, well, I didn't
want to get arrested. Catherine stopped to talk to the elderly and then some
kids with Down’s Syndrome and their parents. Some photos were snapped, Catherine
smiled and waved, and before I knew it she and her father were back on the bus
and heading for their next photo op. Sigh. I don't know if she saw me, or
ignored me, or what, but that was that. The closest thing I was going to get to
the sexiest thing on the campaign trail.
So
election day came and you know what us Canadians learnt? It doesn't matter how
sexy the daughter, how long her legs, how short her skirts, how tall the boots
or how radiant the smile. Sex appeal may distract the Canadian voter, but it
won’t affect their voting habits. Joe Clark lost the election. In fact he
hardly made it on the map. As predicted, Chrétien defeat Stockwell Day. All
Joe Clark had successfully done was make a minor celebrity out of his daughter.
But, it seems, oh so minor. Now in 2008 the public at large asks "Catherine
who?" Oh how fickle the public is.
So
whatever happened to Catherine Clark? Well, between getting married and
becoming a mother, Catherine Clark became the host of a TV talk show called
functions.
Her days in the mass spotlight may be long gone, but she's still turning the
country on with her smile.