PCA Book Club: “You’ll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again” by Heather McDonald

Los Angeles based comedian Heather McDonald’s first book, You’ll Never Blue Ball In This town Again, is truly a different kind of memoir.   McDonald tells us the story of her life, from her days at the Universtiy of Southern California to a career as a noteable comedian and comedy writer, via her stories about all the guys that she never had sex with.  That’s right.  Each chapter of her life story revolves around one, or two (and sometimes three) different failed relationships that never went ‘all the way.”   Although spending her youth as a party girl in one of the shallowest cities in the US, Heather McDonald held on to her virginity until the age of 27!  Was it because she had sexual issues?   Was she in a convent?  Oh no.  It’s not that complex.  According to Heather, she wanted “the one” to be the “right one,” but in the shallow and vain backdrop of Los Angeles, that often meant that the right one didn’t just have to be the man of her dreams, but also had to be handome, rich and successful.  But does such a man even exist?

Now don’t for a second think that Heather McDonald is some sort of plain jane prude that couldn’t get laid if she tried.  Strikingly beautiful with a rich sense of humor, Heather takes us from guy to guy, explaining why each one of them failed her criteria for having sex with her.  The book is full of dry humping and cock teasing as Heather flirts and makes out with so many guys that you often need to keep a score card in some chapters.  But how can you call a woman a whore if she isn’t actually sleeping with these guys?   Heather herself perfectly describes her situation when she titles one of her chapters “Can’t a girl dress like a hooker, dance like a stipper,  kiss like a porn star and still be  nineteen year old virgin?”  Well if you’re Heather Mcdonald I guess you can, but you’re going to send a lot of mixed messages.

Comedian Heather MacDonald writes about all the guys she didn't have sex with in her first book "You'll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again"

And mixed messages is exactly what You’ll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again often provides.  Heather treads a fine line between being vain and charming and it’s often unclear if her blatant shallowness is comedic satire, introspective self deprecation or reflective bragging.  But to be fair, I’ve met, and have even “fallen in love” with, my own share of California girls and I often found out that what seems to comes off as shallowness is actually just a product of the society they were brought up in.  It’s can easily be seen as a cultural trait instead of a personal flaw.  Also, just because Heather talks about being a virgin for nearly thirty years, You’ll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again is not about sexual virtue.  This is not a book that you give your fourteen year old daughter and say “See!  You can be cool and pretty too and maintain your virginity…just like Heather MacDonald!”   Instead, what You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again becomes is a collection of funny relationship stories shared by a very funny woman.   Each one of us have humorous stories about dates that failed, losers we went out with, times we screwed up and people who didn’t live up to our expectations.  We all love to share these stories with others, and listen in fascination to similar tales that others have to share.  Well Heather McDonald has possibly a few more then most of us and has managed to collect them all together in one volume for our entertainment.  Whether it is dating a hand model, a psychopath, a former band nerd or an ”over the hill” millionaire, Heather has a different story for each guy that didn’t score with her.  Heather also shares unique experiences that only a fun girl in LA could have, such as appearing on a failed dating game, making a fetish film where she rollerblades in a swim suit and a frog mask, being picked up by Jason Bateman, romanced by Vince Vaughn and striking out with Jerry Sienfeld.  One thing is for certain, Heather McDonald’s stories are never uninteresting.

But in the end Heather MacDonald redeems herself from her cock teasing and shallowness when she not only finds true love, but realizes that true love is never perfect, and although things don’t always run smooth, that in the name of love you can look past the bumps and find happiness at the end of a potentially bad situation.  Heather MacDonald finds happiness, proving that Los Angeles is the city where dreams come true. 

But the most interesting thing about You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again is the fact that Heather McDonald proves that everybody has a story to tell and a memoir to write.  In the world of celebrities, Heather McDonald is just a minor comedian who is currently gaining momentum as a writer and contributor to Chelsea Lately.  Why do we care who she didn’t sleep with?  We probably don’t, but that doesn’t stop us for caring about Heather and enjoying her stories.  You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again is hardly a tell all, but it is a fun read that reveals a side of the Los Angeles dating scene that many North Americans will never see or understand.  Heather McDonald shares her story through a great deal of wit, although not a lot of wisdom.  But through all her cock teasing, vanity and shallowness she remains to be a likeable character who, in the end, finds her fairytale ending.  If you don’t know who Heather McDonald is now, You’ll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again will surely put her on your radar, and hopefully this is not the last we hear of this very funny woman.